Why There Won't Be War With Iran

No, there's not going to be a war with Iran. Not because there's no excuse for such a war. Not because such a war would destabilize and probably destroy the Middle East. Not because our military is stretched far too thin for a military incursion.

No, the real reason there won't be a war is that Big Dairy won't allow it.

You know Big Dairy, that evil empire that is always ramming poisonous milk products down the gullets of impressionable youth. They're the ones who have forced Americans, against their wills and better judgments, to gobble cheeseburgers, devour pizzas, and lap up ice cream, not to mention - horror of horrors - forced Americans to drink lattes and frappuccinos as if there were no consequences.

Well, Big Dairy has been insidiously infiltrating Iran, brainwashing a once proud people until they know no better than to advocate the health benefits of... yogurt.

Yes, yogurt. Yogurt is a known milk product, and yet the Iranian press, far from banning it as western colonialistic propaganda, actually quotes American sources as to its usefulness, and worse, its taste.

I offer as proof Exhibit A: this article from the Tehran Times, Iran's leading international daily.

What's tasty, easy, and has lots of health benefits? Yogurt!

...

[L]et us not forget that yogurt comes from milk. So yogurt eaters will also get a dose of animal protein (about 9 grams per 6-ounce serving), plus several other nutrients found in dairy foods, like calcium, vitamin B-2, B-12, potassium, and magnesium.

In fact, the health benefits of yogurt are so impressive that many health-conscious people make it a daily habit.

And who are the traitors that have snuck Dairy under their radar, perhaps on the backs of tanker trucks of camel milk ice cream?

Miguel Freitas, PhD, medical marketing manager for Dannon Co., says the benefits associated with probiotics are specific to certain strains of these "good" bacteria.

"Adequate nutrition plays a major role in the prevention and treatment of osteoporosis, and the micronutrients of greatest importance are calcium and vitamin D," says Jeri Nieves, PhD, MS, director of bone density testing at New York’s Helen Hayes Hospital.

“We observed a 50% reduction in the risk of developing high blood pressure among people eating 2-3 servings of low-fat dairy a day (or more), compared with those without any intake,” Alvaro Alonso, MD, PhD, a researcher in the department of epidemiology at the Harvard School of Public Health, said in an email interview.

Even our own government is in league with the enemy!

Yogurt with active cultures may help certain gastrointestinal conditions, including:

Lactose intolerance, constipation, diarrhea, Colon cancer and inflammatory bowel disease.

That's what researchers from the Jean Mayer U.S. Department of Agriculture Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging at Tufts University concluded in a recent review article.

Yogurt is even good for people with lactose intolerance! Those fiends, blatantly plagiarizing something that I myself have been saying for years.

Why those sneaky no-goodniks! War is too good for them!